Sparkle nodded a little, still staring at his drink. It wasn't doing tricks or anything. But maybe that was the appeal. Beer was easy. This talk was... hard. Very hard.
"I need to get it right," he said, quietly. "I have spent my whole fucking life thinking family's something it's not, terrified that I'll be those things too, but I always wanted it, there had to be something to it, everyone else was so fucking happy to have it and... I don't... I don't remember ever thinking that maybe it wasn't completely my fault that I didn't get to be that, too."
He sat silently for a second, and then shook his head suddenly, angrily, though he wasn't sure if that anger was at himself or at a long, long line of people who had spent his entire life fucking him over.
"But now I finally have shit I did that I can point at, and I can draw lines and find the ways they're fucking me over, and I have to fix it. I have to, Atton. So that I can point and go, 'see? I fixed it,' and start to think maybe I do deserve the good, too. I can't go back and tell my father he was wrong but maybe I can keep Lewis from hurting other people like he hurt me. I can't go back and tell Alec that I'm not just a Mundie, I'm a fucking competent one and I deserve to be happy whether I can fight or not but guess what? I can fight, too, I can keep my people safe even when it hurts me so deep I want to die. I can't tell him that. But I can tell myself that enough and I'll believe it, maybe. I know other people already do. I don't get why I can't."
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"I need to get it right," he said, quietly. "I have spent my whole fucking life thinking family's something it's not, terrified that I'll be those things too, but I always wanted it, there had to be something to it, everyone else was so fucking happy to have it and... I don't... I don't remember ever thinking that maybe it wasn't completely my fault that I didn't get to be that, too."
He sat silently for a second, and then shook his head suddenly, angrily, though he wasn't sure if that anger was at himself or at a long, long line of people who had spent his entire life fucking him over.
"But now I finally have shit I did that I can point at, and I can draw lines and find the ways they're fucking me over, and I have to fix it. I have to, Atton. So that I can point and go, 'see? I fixed it,' and start to think maybe I do deserve the good, too. I can't go back and tell my father he was wrong but maybe I can keep Lewis from hurting other people like he hurt me. I can't go back and tell Alec that I'm not just a Mundie, I'm a fucking competent one and I deserve to be happy whether I can fight or not but guess what? I can fight, too, I can keep my people safe even when it hurts me so deep I want to die. I can't tell him that. But I can tell myself that enough and I'll believe it, maybe. I know other people already do. I don't get why I can't."