Sia's Coruscant, Monday

[suitably_heroic]

Atton had been extremely tempted to stay at Fandom and maybe never talk to Sia again after leaving her a series of drunken texts a few days before. But that would involve staying at Fandom, a place that at this point wasn't, exactly, doing great things for his emotional stability.

Not that anywhere was. But still.

And so it was that he showed up around noon on Monday, a bag slung over his arm and Pauline the plant in his other hand, trudging up the steps of the palace.

Might as well face the music.

[[ for sia ]]

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[notconflicted]

Sia found a seat herself on the edge of the bed.

"You're still Atton, whatever that means to you. Whatever you want that to mean. You have room to figure that out."

[suitably_heroic]

"I've been trying to figure it out for over ten years, Si," Atton said, rubbing his forehead. "Every time I think I've got things figured out..."

[notconflicted]

"Then life happens in the worst way?" Sia said.

[suitably_heroic]

"I let it," Atton said, after a short pause. "I sit back, I let other people define it for me, and when they vanish, I'm somehow always surprised."

[notconflicted]

She paused.

"So anytime I asked you what you would want a situation to look like, and you didn't answer..."

[suitably_heroic]

"I didn't have an answer," Atton said. Shrugging.

[notconflicted]

"Do you want to come up with an answer?" she asked.

[suitably_heroic]

"I don't have an answer for that either," Atton said wryly.

[notconflicted]

There was a tiny flash if a smile at that before she turned serious again.

"I don't know how helpful this is, but you do have a place here. Whether you decide you want an answer or not, you at least have support in it."

[suitably_heroic]

"I know."

Atton finally snuck a glance her way.

"Sorry. I wasn't trying to say I don't appreciate the fact you're letting me be here."

[notconflicted]

"I know," she nodded. "This isn't easy for you. I'm aware that's an understatement."

[suitably_heroic]

"I still hear the witch in my head sometimes," Atton said slowly. "Except this time, I'm pretty sure it really is just me talking."

[notconflicted]

"And what's she saying?"

She wasn't sure she'd tell her, but she figured there was a reason he brought her up.

[suitably_heroic]

"That I don't know how to be me," Atton said, sounding a little far away. "That I'm drowning when I don't have anyone to point the way. That it would be very easy to reinvent myself as an Imperial Knight, swear my loyalty to you, and that's that."

[notconflicted]

"You wouldn't actually be happy doing that," Sia told him.

[suitably_heroic]

"No, but I could be content," Atton said quietly. "That's how I started out, you know. A soldier. Part of me always will be."

[notconflicted]

"You deserve more than content," she said, shaking her head. "I'm not saying you can't be a soldier. But when Jessica came here, she carved out her own space, made things work for her. You could do the same. I don't want you to end up resenting me because you're locked into something you don't want to be doing."

[suitably_heroic]

"Whatever happens, I'm not going to resent you, Si," Atton said. "If I became one of yours, that'd be my choice. No excuses."

He'd never tried to blame his devotion to Meetra on Surik's Force bonds. Why would he blame Sia for a loyalty born mostly of stupid, stubborn time?

He ran his fingers through his hair.

"I lived by my own rules once. I was proud of it," he said. "That life was me in a pugnant storage container on Nar Shaddaa. That's where I wind up when I do things on my own."

[notconflicted]

Sia considered this, and asked, "If you were to become one of our Knights, it's a lifetime commitment."

Well. There were some exceptions, thanks to everything that led up to last year's stabbing.

But it was the reason she was locked into all this herself.

[suitably_heroic]

"Yeah," Atton said, and something dry and bitter snuck into his voice, "That's what they always say above the dotted line."

[notconflicted]

"This time it's me saying it. And that's why I'm in this forever," she pointed out. "I don't ask anything of my Knights that I don't do myself."

[suitably_heroic]

"I know," Atton said. "But I don't really believe in anything working out okay. Stupid of me to even think me and Sparks were gonna be best buddies when we were eighty."

There'd been a time he'd thought the rest of his life would be him out on missions, coming back to a Temple full of kids spellbound by a wisecracking Sparkle in the mess hall. That'd been stupid.

[notconflicted]

"That wasn't stupid," Sia said gently.

[suitably_heroic]

"Yeaaah, my life so far says it kinda was," Atton muttered.

[notconflicted]

"Just because something doesn't work out doesn't mean it's stupid." If that were true, no one would date, ever. "You never had any reason to think it would go any other way."