Sia's Coruscant, Monday

[suitably_heroic]

Atton had been extremely tempted to stay at Fandom and maybe never talk to Sia again after leaving her a series of drunken texts a few days before. But that would involve staying at Fandom, a place that at this point wasn't, exactly, doing great things for his emotional stability.

Not that anywhere was. But still.

And so it was that he showed up around noon on Monday, a bag slung over his arm and Pauline the plant in his other hand, trudging up the steps of the palace.

Might as well face the music.

[[ for sia ]]

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[suitably_heroic]

"I still hear the witch in my head sometimes," Atton said slowly. "Except this time, I'm pretty sure it really is just me talking."

[notconflicted]

"And what's she saying?"

She wasn't sure she'd tell her, but she figured there was a reason he brought her up.

[suitably_heroic]

"That I don't know how to be me," Atton said, sounding a little far away. "That I'm drowning when I don't have anyone to point the way. That it would be very easy to reinvent myself as an Imperial Knight, swear my loyalty to you, and that's that."

[notconflicted]

"You wouldn't actually be happy doing that," Sia told him.

[suitably_heroic]

"No, but I could be content," Atton said quietly. "That's how I started out, you know. A soldier. Part of me always will be."

[notconflicted]

"You deserve more than content," she said, shaking her head. "I'm not saying you can't be a soldier. But when Jessica came here, she carved out her own space, made things work for her. You could do the same. I don't want you to end up resenting me because you're locked into something you don't want to be doing."

[suitably_heroic]

"Whatever happens, I'm not going to resent you, Si," Atton said. "If I became one of yours, that'd be my choice. No excuses."

He'd never tried to blame his devotion to Meetra on Surik's Force bonds. Why would he blame Sia for a loyalty born mostly of stupid, stubborn time?

He ran his fingers through his hair.

"I lived by my own rules once. I was proud of it," he said. "That life was me in a pugnant storage container on Nar Shaddaa. That's where I wind up when I do things on my own."

[notconflicted]

Sia considered this, and asked, "If you were to become one of our Knights, it's a lifetime commitment."

Well. There were some exceptions, thanks to everything that led up to last year's stabbing.

But it was the reason she was locked into all this herself.

[suitably_heroic]

"Yeah," Atton said, and something dry and bitter snuck into his voice, "That's what they always say above the dotted line."

[notconflicted]

"This time it's me saying it. And that's why I'm in this forever," she pointed out. "I don't ask anything of my Knights that I don't do myself."

[suitably_heroic]

"I know," Atton said. "But I don't really believe in anything working out okay. Stupid of me to even think me and Sparks were gonna be best buddies when we were eighty."

There'd been a time he'd thought the rest of his life would be him out on missions, coming back to a Temple full of kids spellbound by a wisecracking Sparkle in the mess hall. That'd been stupid.

[notconflicted]

"That wasn't stupid," Sia said gently.

[suitably_heroic]

"Yeaaah, my life so far says it kinda was," Atton muttered.

[notconflicted]

"Just because something doesn't work out doesn't mean it's stupid." If that were true, no one would date, ever. "You never had any reason to think it would go any other way."

[suitably_heroic]

There was a short silence.

"I really loved that kid, Si," Atton said quietly. "I don't think he's coming back."

[notconflicted]

"I know," she said.

[suitably_heroic]

"And she's not coming back," Atton said, voice quieter.

[notconflicted]

"No," Sia said. "She's not."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton rubbed his forehead.

"I should probably let Mical know I'm not dead."

[notconflicted]

"He would probably appreciate that." Though she also had to ask, "When was the last time you spoke with him?"