suitably_heroic | The Ebon Hawk, Nar Shaddaa, After Last (Reply)

Atton	Well, Meetra was on her way to talk to that Jedi Master, which wasn't a party Atton was real eager to join. So instead he busied himself getting supplies in town for the next leg of their journey. Of course, it would've been easier had the cargo bay not been occupied. "Hey!" he called. "Don't you ever give it a rest?"
Handmaiden	The Handmaiden finished her form before she as much as bothered to give him an irritated look. And then she went right back to it.
Atton	"Fine, don't mind me," Atton muttered, "I just need to get some stuff to the cargo hold."
Handmaiden	"You know the first tier of our styles," the Handmaiden said, throwing a few kicks. "But you hold back because I am unarmed." She finished that form before turning towards him. "Tell me where you were trained."
Atton	Great. They were going to have a Conversation. He put the boxes in his arms down. "What can I say? I'm a quick study," he said casually.
Handmaiden	"You lie," the Handmaiden said pointedly. She stepped towards him, searching his stance with her eyes. "Few know the Echani styles by reflex."
Atton	Atton rolled his eyes and quietly hoped this wouldn't turn into a fight, because he'd had enough of those lately for one lifetime, thanks. "Oh, yeah?" he snarked. "Guess you saw a lot of the world while you were freezing your cargo hold off at the ice academy, didn't you, sister?" He picked the box up again. "Next time I come in here, I'm bringing a blaster."
Handmaiden	"Fool," the Handmaiden spat at him, returning to her sparring mat.
Atton	"Schutta," Atton called after her, then continued on his way.
	-
Atton	"So," Atton said, dropping the last of the cargo down in the cargo hold. "How was Master Kai Ell Zez or whatever his name was?"
Meetra	"Zez-Kai Ell," Meetra supplied, though she was sure that by now he was just mixing it up to be difficult. "And he was fine. Repentant - moreso than Vrook."
Atton	"Well, that's always good to hear," Atton muttered.
Meetra	She hesitated, but only for a moment. "Atton?" Meetra said. "I... have to tell you something." Another brief hesitation. She knew he felt strongly about this one. "Before... I felt your mind. With Kreia's help." She opened her mouth, then shut it. Then: "I'm sorry."
Atton	Atton stilled, ceasing his original intent to turn around. "Of course you did," he said flatly. "You see, Jedi, light or dark - do it more often than you think." He stared at the back wall. "But I never heard one say they were sorry before. That's a new house rule."
Meetra	Meetra wondered if she should leave it at that - he seemed as okay with it as he was ever going to be. But her curiosity got the best of her. "Why do you play pazaak in your head?"
Atton	"Passes the time," Atton said slowly, glancing over his shoulder. "It's better than listing off engine sequencers, memorizing hyperspace routes, or counting ticks in the power couplings."
Meetra	Meetra chewed on her bottom lip. "But you do all those things," she pointed out quietly.
Atton	He turned around silently and looked at her. Frowned. Now it was Atton's time to think about whether he wanted to say something. "Why do I play pazaak?" he said finally. "Fine, I'll show you."
Meetra	"If it's a friendly game, sure," Meetra said, after a pause. She wasn't sure where this was going.
Atton	"Good match," Atton said, letting his mind flick through the cards. "What are you thinking of right now?"
Meetra	"Playing pazaak," she said.
Atton	"Right," Atton said, gesturing to underscore the word. "And that's why I play pazaak in my head. Because if you don't, you've left the door wide open. And anyone could walk right in."
Meetra	"You play pazaak to shield your thoughts," Meetra concluded. That was... clever. But then she'd already gotten used to Atton being cleverer than first impressions let on.
Atton	"No, I play pazaak in my head," Atton said with a sigh. She didn't get it. Not quite. "But while I'm doing that, it just happens to be harder for someone else to walk in."
Meetra	"Can you teach me how to shield my mind like that?" Meetra asked, letting her shoulder drop against the bulkhead.
Atton	"No, I can only teach you how to play pazaak," Atton said, for what felt like the third time. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Meetra	She was starting to. What he meant was that it was a technique that worked only when you were genuinely fixated only on the game - and not on the reason why you were playing it. "Then I'd like to learn to play pazaak."
Atton	Atton smiled the slightest bit. "Good," he said. "Now you understand. All right, I'll deal, then." He watched her nod. Something fluttered in his stomach, but he ignored it. "If you're ever fighting someone who has power over your mind, whether light or dark... play pazaak. Start listing hyperspace routes. Recite engine sequencers. And then when they try to use their powers on you, suddenly it's not so easy as they thought." He wanted to take a step closer, but... no. No, that would be a really terrible, stupid idea. So he did what he always did when someone like her made him want to do something stupid: he didn't do it. "Because you'll be right here with me, playing pazaak, where they can't reach you," he said softly.
Meetra	There was a strange tension in the room that made her feel oddly queasy. She cut the eye contact first, sliding her gaze down towards the floor. She was silent for a little while. "So," Meetra said, when the silence became too much, "Are you ever going to tell me why you really left the Sith?"
Atton	Oh. They were back on that one again. Even though this one was probably on him, Atton couldn't help but feel an odd, keen sense of disappointment-- mixed up with an equally odd kind of protectiveness. "Well, there was a woman," he said, rubbing at his arm. "A Jedi. She... she gave her life for mine."
Meetra	"Who?" she asked quietly.
Atton	"I never knew her name," Atton admitted. "She sought me out. She said she had come to save me. She was lying, of course, or at least I think she was. It doesn't matter. She told enough truth to get my attention." Jedi weren't exactly known for doing that kind of thing. "She said that Revan was doing something horrible to the Jedi within the Unknown Regions. That when we captured Jedi, they were sent to a place to... break them. And that anyone within his service who showed any ability with the Force was sent there, too, to turn them, to break them into Dark Jedi... or assassins trained to kill Jedi." His turn to look at the floor. It wasn't exactly easier to say this the second time around, and he'd left out a lot of important details when he'd told Sparkle about this. "She said that's what would happen to me," he said quietly. "That I had the Force inside me, that that's why I was so good at killing Jedi. And that when the Sith heard of it, there would be no escape, no turning back. I would become an instrument of the dark side forever." He poked at a spot on the floor with his foot. "I had heard talks in the ranks, troops vanishing. I knew what she meant, but I didn't believe her - or maybe I didn't want to believe her."
Meetra	He was Force-sensitive. That explained so much. "So what did you do?" Meetra asked.
Atton	"I did what I did with all Jedi," Atton said frankly, and as he looked up the softness evaporated from his voice. "I hurt her. I hurt her a lot. And then, right when I thought she couldn't take any more - she showed me the Force. In my head. And I felt everything she felt. And I heard just an echo of what the Force was... of how what I was doing..." He shut his mouth tight for a moment. He didn't like thinking about that. Remembering that. But he had to. "I think I loved her," he said. "But it wasn't that kind of love - it was the kind of love where you're willing to give up everything for someone you don't even know."
Meetra	"That's what being a Jedi is like," Meetra said softly.
Atton	"I killed her for crawling into my head," Atton told her. Pointedly. Almost daring her to say something. "For showing me that. But y'know what, before she opened her mind, all I could think of was that I'd love to kill her. And at the end, I killed her because I loved her." How was that for messed up?
Meetra	"That's a lot to bear," Meetra said. She was trying to process... this. "And a lot for me to forgive." They hadn't really had time to sort through what all of this meant.
Atton	Atton glanced out at the stars. "In the end, she sacrificed herself to keep my secret, to keep the Sith from knowing about that touch of the Force inside me," he said. "She wasted her life to save me. Me." He looked back at her. "I felt her die, when she opened her mind. I've killed Jedi like I said, but I was never there to feel it, to be on the receiving end," he said. "And after that, I couldn't stop feeling things - before, guilt, lust, impatience, it had all been orchestrated to get close to people. Now, it just all kept tumbling out, and I couldn't keep doing what I was doing." He rubbed at his wrist. "So I fled," he said. "I left with the displaced war veterans to Nar Shaddaa and I lost myself there, then elsewhere, until the war came to an end. I wanted no more of Jedi, or Dark Jedi, or the Force. I just wanted to be left alone." But look how that had worked out. "And then I met you at Peragus," he said. "And I thought... maybe... maybe she saved me so I could help you. And... if I can't... I have to try." He wasn't sure where this was suddenly coming from or why he'd developed a nervous tick in his foot, scuffing it against the floor over and over.
Meetra	Meetra was quiet as she did... process. But how could she turn away someone who was contrite? Who wanted to make up for what he had done? The Council had thrown her out for daring to stand by her actions and yet she had been willing to work to better herself in their wake, too. "Then I welcome your help," she said.
Atton	"I didn't want to tell you any of this," Atton said quickly. "But... I had to. Because if something happens, I don't want you to think I'm doing it for any other reason than the past." Always a coward. But that's how it had to be.
Meetra	"The truth is all I ask," Meetra said.
Atton	Atton took a deep breath. "Once, a Jedi showed me the Force," he said. "I heard it, I felt it. At the time, there was too much pain to confront it. Because if I did, it would mean I'd get changed into something else. But now? Now, I'm not afraid of it anymore." That wasn't strictly entirely true. But he wasn't afraid of it enough anymore to avoid it - not when there were more important things at stake. "I think that by learning how to use it, I can help protect you," he said. "Or at least buy you some time when disaster comes screaming in." He ran his fingers through his hair again. "I want to learn how to use the Force. I want to learn how to use the Force to help you."
Meetra	Of all things possible, this, Meetra hadn't seen coming. But she didn't hesitate. "Come," she said, pulling on his wrist until they stepped outside into the Nar Shaddaa air. The life of this moon struck her again - she imagined it would strike him worse than it did her, rooted in this place as he was. That made it perfect. "Just close your eyes," she said quietly, "And open your mind..."
Atton	And for the very first time in his life, he did.