A Music Venue in Brooklyn, Sunday Evening

[suitably_heroic]

Yes, Jack believed all the Force users in the multiverse could use a few lessons in doing normal people things more often. He had frequently coerced, wheedled, and poked several of them into it over the years. But this? Making Lana Beniko, ex-Sith spymaster, man the merch booth?

Had to be his greatest achievement.

It maybe gave a little extra oomph to his performance that evening.

It was also when, after they were done, one of the first things he did was haul his sweaty ass back to the merch stand. "Sooo," he said, grinning. "How are we doing?"

[[ for a lana ]]

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[suitably_heroic]

"Designed, I dunno," Jack muttered. "Insidious, yes."

[unusual_sith]

"Recognizing it is half the battle," Lana said. "The other half is realizing when it's true and when it's just..." she debated for a moment, then went with the Earth version, "bullshit."

[suitably_heroic]

Jack took in a deep breath.

"There's just been a lot of people," he said, "Who put their lives on the line-- who gave up their lives-- to save mine. And I know all the therapy stuff and the 'you were destroying yourself' and the 'avoiding confronting my trauma through acts of self-endangerment', blah blah, but I still wonder sometimes if I'm wasting all of that by spending that life dicking around with instruments for one, two hundred people a night."

[unusual_sith]

"It's your life," Lana said. "They fought to save it so you could have this. So you could do what you want to. You should want it for yourself, of course, but if it helps, what do you think they'd want for you?"

[suitably_heroic]

"I always assumed to go do some Jedi stuff," Jack said. "Or soldier stuff, before. Or... stuff."

[unusual_sith]

"Well, you are definitely doing 'stuff'," Lana said.

[suitably_heroic]

"Not Jedi stuff," Jack said wryly. "And as sweet as it feels to think about this as some kind of 'giving me a chance at life', most of the people I'm thinking about were Jedi."

He shook his head. "Now my instinct is to tell myself: think about Sparkle. Sparkle would find it way more important that I get my shit together than that I go run around saving starving orphans. But my therapist says that's a--" He lifted his hands for air-quotes, "--'reinforces my habit of seeking moral reassurance outside of myself' or whatever, so I'm supposed to stop doing it."

[unusual_sith]

"Isn't looking to the Jedi the same thing?" Lana asked.

[suitably_heroic]

"Yes, obviously," Jack said. "But I already know that that's stupid. Doesn't stop me doing it, but still. It's finding out that the stuff that seems good isn't actually great for me either that makes therapy such a trip."

[unusual_sith]

"Ah." Lana nodded. "That makes sense." She thought about it. "Is it that it's like a crutch - good at first, but you need to learn to walk without it?"

[suitably_heroic]

"Never good," Jack said wryly. "It's actually part of my damage. I have this thought lodged in my head that I'm not worth anything unless I live up to someone else's lofty expectations." He eyed the road ahead of them. "Space, telling you this is ruining my entire image as a badass who doesn't care."

[unusual_sith]

Lana frowned. "But don't we all measure ourselves against people we admire? And don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

[suitably_heroic]

Jack shoved his hands into his pockets and looked straight ahead. His voice was very dry. "I have it on good authority most people don't wake up in the morning thinking that they're worth nothing and don't deserve to be here, unless they live up to what they think someone else would've wanted them to be."

[unusual_sith]

"That would be a bit of an extreme example," Lana agreed.

[suitably_heroic]

"That's not an extreme example," Jack said. He waved at his head. "That's how my diagnosed broken brain works."

[unusual_sith]

Lana wasn't sure what to say to that, so she nodded.

[suitably_heroic]

"And it's annoying," Jack muttered, dropping his hand. "Nobody ever tells you therapy feels a lot like playing dodgeball against yourself."

[unusual_sith]

Lana nudged him. "It wouldn't be as hard if you weren't so good at attacking yourself. I'd think there's a sort of strange pride in that."

[suitably_heroic]

"Yeah," Jack said, nodding. "My crippling mental health problems would definitely be less hard if I had fewer crippling mental health problems."

[unusual_sith]

"Not like that!" If Lana sounded a bit frustrated, it was mostly at herself for being bad at this. "I meant the dodgeball. But non-metaphorically, all the habits and problems - they're bad now, but they helped you survive, or they wouldn't be sticking around so long."

[suitably_heroic]

Oh, come on, Lana-- there was another sarcastic comment at the tip of his tongue.

This time, though, Jack caught it before it made its way out.

"Lana," he said. "Look. I know you're trying, and I appreciate it. It's just... this stuff is complicated. It's why I didn't manage to unknot it until I hit rock bottom and wound up in--" ... an inpatient facility, but he wasn't going to say that, so, "... therapy."

He took a turn. Close to the restaurant.

"Basically, bad stuff started happening to me pretty early," he said, "and then it kept happening, and somewhere along the line the grey matter in my skull decided to slice and rewire itself into a really defensive protocol that is nearly impossible to return to what it's supposed to be."