Steps of the Jedi Temple, Saturday

[suitably_heroic]

Finally, finally, the last of Gaunt's influence had ebbed out of Atton's system. No more thunder, no more death, nothing but the sky and the sense of billions of lives milling around him. It was nice, a relief, a giant weight off his back: almost as nice as Dxun had been, after he'd led that successful mission into the jungle.

He kind of wanted to chase that line of thought, nail it down. After Dxun, for this short window of time, he'd felt... okay. Like maybe after years of being this poisoned thing, and years of trying to get lost, he was actually capable of being useful. Helping someone good. That his decision to embrace the Force hadn't been the wrong one, and having this awareness in his mind was a boon, not another way to make him vulnerable.

He really wished he could feel exactly that way again. As far as he could tell, though, this feeling - relief - was as close as he was going to get.

He stretched his legs out across the steps. There was a reason the Jedi Temple had been established in the middle of Coruscant, he realized that much now. How much more plugged-in to life could you get, short of Nar Shaddaa? Sitting here, outside on the steps, the sun on his face and all of Coruscant thrumming through his bones, it was like plugging yourself into a live wire. A good one. A living one.

He hadn't bothered texting Sparkle or reminding him of their training sessions or anything. He figured the kid wasn't up for it, anyway. And if Sparks chose to show anyway, then he chose to show, and they'd figure it out from there.

As it stood, he was content sitting on the steps in the sun, a single figure surrounded by marble, and beyond that, the life of Coruscant.

[[ open for calls/visits/what have you, yes. ]]

Comments

[myownface]

Oh. Shit. Shit shit shit. Sparkle had been kind of enjoying the whole 'let's never speak of this again' thing that they'd had going for them. It meant that he could pretend to be okay, and Atton could... pretend to... whatever it was Atton needed to pretend, and Sparkle wouldn't have to figure out what the hell he was even supposed to do with an apology.

It took a few minutes before he could manage to figure out what in the world to say back.

It's fine. Nobody died. Gaunt left. Not like anyone else figured it out sooner either.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton wasn't so much pretending anything as just avoiding having conversations he wasn't good at having, full stop. But he figured this was one he should have-- well, not so much have as say the one thing he probably should say. And hey, texting was perfect, because that way he could keep it brief, and he wouldn't have to start bandying around words like 'Malachor' or 'worried' or anything.

Well, next time the island feels like it's dying, I probably shouldn't be going around acting like everything's normal. Anyway, felt like I had to put it out there, that's all.

He couldn't think of a non-sequitur to end that on to close that whole book. Maybe Sparkle had one.

[myownface]

Okay, so next time, don't do that. And next time I won't let myself get blackmailed by some kind of demonic manbaby grifter. And then everything will be fine. Sound good?

Sparkle was working really hard on that non-sequitur thing, Atton, but now he was thinking about it again, and that wasn't any good for this sort of thing, dammit.

[suitably_heroic]

Sounds fine.

He kept on typing-- H-O-W- -A-R-E- -Y-O-U- -H-O-L-D-- and then he deleted that entire part of the sentence. Nope. Not having the spill-to-me-your-feelings conversation. No way.

He sent the 'Sounds fine' instead, and only noticed as the message went flying off that there was still a '. H' attached to the end of the 'sounds fine'.

Well, Sparkle was good at ignoring stuff. A little 'H' wasn't going to trip him up.

[myownface]

Sparkle did in fact notice that H. He spent a few more minutes wondering about where it might have been heading. Maybe it was nothing at all. Maybe Atton's finger slipped.

Maybe.

When are you on the island next? Thursday for class?

Sparkle could ignore it if you weren't going to say it, Atton. This once.

[suitably_heroic]

I don't know yet. Got here a few hours ago, Mical's poking through the giant list of standing missions we have to figure out which ones are the most pressing. And then I get to tell him how wrong he is. Depends on the result of that conversation.

Damn it. Atton kind of felt like he should ask the H-question, now.

[myownface]

Cool. Let me know, I'll make sure there's food.

Sparkle spent a few moments more trying to come up with some stupid comment about vegetables that wouldn't look like he was just going through the motions, but decided against it. Everything he could come up with mostly just looked like he was faking something. At least this way, he seemed a bit more like he just didn't want to bother being clever or something.

Maybe he was distracted in the woods. It was probably all that sand.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton whacked his head (gently) against the steps once or twice. Okay. Fine. Just to chase off the phantom of that H, okay? Stupid typos. Stupid letters. H was mostly silent anyway, wasn't it?

How are you doing?

There. Much more neutral than 'how are you holding up'.

[myownface]

"Fuck."

Maybe he could pretend he didn't know what Atton was actually asking about. That would work, wouldn't it? Sure!

Sleeping in the woods is cold. I should have got something besides hot dogs to eat all weekend. I'm sharing my tent with a GIRL again and there are bugs in the bathroom. I wanna go home.

And the only part of that entire thing that mattered was that last line. For so, so many reasons.

[suitably_heroic]

So the downside of the whole texting thing - for Sparkle, at least - was that Atton couldn't tell how he was feeling about this whole thing from a huge distance. Okay, the kid was clearly dancing around the whole situation, but other than that?

'Not what I'm asking', he typed.

Then he erased it.

Then he typed it again.

Then he erased it again.

Weren't you the one giving me the whole spiel about repressing a few months back?

Moderately better.

[myownface]

Sparkle was marginally tempted to throw his phone into the dunes and maybe never go dig it out again. It'd be a great reason to not reply, right?

Only, Atton was right.

I want to go HOME. And I can't. That's how I'm doing. I want to go to some mythological place where I have always fucking belonged and just be not OKAY for a while, HOME like people always talk about, and that's not how it works. That's how I'm doing.

[suitably_heroic]

Yeah. Yeah, Atton had figured something like that.

He wasn't remotely equipped to be talking to anyone about capital-letter HOME, and he knew it, but he'd pushed, so now he had to deal with it.

Which was what he'd been trying to avoid. Walked into this one with his eyes wide-open. Yep.

Yeah, that one always sucks.

Atton's capital-H HOME had not exactly been idyllic even before it got blown up in a giant ball of Mandalorian violence. ... Figuratively speaking. He was pretty sure the house was still standing.

Not sure the outdoor living is going to be much of a help.

[myownface]

I'm pissed off at the island and can't handle people right now. Bugs seemed like an okay trade-off.

Well, that wasn't completely it. But that was the easiest way to say that he sort of felt like doing a little harmless, temporary running away. Just for a few days. And this had seemed like the easy way out.

[suitably_heroic]

Coulda come here. If Coruscant doesn't cut it, there's a couple of out of the way planets I could drop you off at.

He bet some of Sparkle's friends had some great 'Home is where we are!' speeches. Atton stuck with what he could actually offer: his leading expertise in the area of running away really hard.

[myownface]

Thought about it. Might still take you up on that sometime. Figured for now at least I'd stick with something kind of familiar. I already have a pretty good idea about what forest creatures are going to go for the face, around here.

Raccoons were adorable little assholes that you didn't want to piss off, for example. Sparkle wouldn't know what the hell to make of a mynock or a fabool or... whatever else.

[suitably_heroic]

You know Nar Shaddaa, Atton pointed out.

... okay, so Nar Shaddaa was maybe a bad idea, but it was the first thing to jump to mind?

[myownface]

Oh, yeah. Maybe I can hook up with that Chiss who was SHOOTING AT US the last time.

Yeah, dropping Sparkle off on Nar Shadda was maybe not one of Atton's finer brainwaves.

[suitably_heroic]

To be fair, if you did want to get lost for a while, Nar Shaddaa was 100% for sure the right place to do it.

Hey, I'd drop you off on the other side of the moon, Atton wrote. But fine, fine. Somewhere else. I'm sure there's reputable parts of Coruscant or something, whatever makes things easier.

[myownface]

I'll think about Coruscant. True enough it isn't anything like the island.

And he was mostly sure there were fewer people there who wanted to kill him. That helped, a bit.

[suitably_heroic]

Okay. Good.

Atton let out a sigh. Had he mentioned he was happy this wasn't a phone call? Because he was.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm no great big star at pep talks. Finding HOME is a poodoo-shoot at best. The next time anyone starts talking it up, you should tell them where to stick it. Hard enough hammering out something good in this galaxy without getting myths thrown at you.

[myownface]

Well, that would make two of them, at least. Sparkle was doing a shitty job of faking it over texts as it was. He was pretty sure he'd suck twice as hard if they were actually speaking.

Yeah, I know. It's just a crappy myth they've been shoving down my throat since I was still too small to know better. I know it's bullshit. It's coming to terms with that fact that I'm working on now.

[suitably_heroic]

If they were actually speaking, Atton might be forced to do something drastic, like give him a hug or something. And that would totally wreck this cool, unaffected thing he was gunning for, here.

If it helps, that doesn't mean you can't make your own space. It's just as soon as you start relying on other people to make it livable, you're shooting yourself in the foot. But you know that.

The sad thing was, he couldn't exactly advertise the patented Atton Rand Get Out And Stop Caring About People method, either, because he knew by experience that one tended to fall down as soon as you stopped moving.

[myownface]

Oh god, yeah, that was fortunate. If Sparkle got a hug, he might do something fucking stupid like get choked up, and cool and unaffected seemed to be working out great for them right about now.

Yeah, I know that. Probably have to get it tattooed somewhere so I don't forget, considering my track record.

[suitably_heroic]

That being said, as long as I'm not dead, I'm going to try and have your back.

Granted, that wasn't much of a promise, considering the life expectancy of Jedi in his day and age.

Which is basically what people like Karina and whoever else you know are also going to mean when they promise you anything, so you have that.

[myownface]

"Fuuuuuck."

Don't mind Sparkle. He had, like, sand or a bug or something in his eye, apparently. Ugh, camping.

Yeah, I have that.

...

Thanks, man.