MCA #4, Friday Just After Sunset

[suitably_heroic]

Force bonds were a pain in the ass.

Atton had only ever had two of them. One, very dimly thrumming in the back of his head since he was 23 years old, led straight to a blond bounty hunter two galaxies and four thousand years away from him. That one didn't matter so much-- most of what Cade did was drinking and fighting and sleeping, anyway.

The other one had sent him reeling almost a year ago now, when it had suddenly winked out without warning, taking the contents of his stomach with it moments later. That one... that one mattered. It had been a bright, shining thing, getting brighter every day, and suddenly it had been cut, leaving him standing in the light without a tour guide.

When that one lit up like a... like a blazing furnace, like the core of Alderaan's sun, as he just got halfway into a pizza slice, he leaped.

Straight out of his chair, and into a corner of the living room, gasping and completely and thoroughly disoriented.

"What the--"

[[ for myself, la la. ]]

Comments

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

Ask the right questions, and you might receive the right answers, except no, she couldn't say that-- it involved a level of teasing even she knew they weren't back to just yet.

"You're still carrying a lightsaber," Meetra said, her eyes darting to his belt a second time.

[suitably_heroic]

"Which is a Jedi weapon, yadda yadda yadda, I get this crap from Skywalker every day," he said, passing her the glass.

Then he sank into the sofa. "But if you're asking if I'm a Jedi now, too, yes, I guess I am, must've lost my mind. Doesn't mean I buy into all of the vague poodoo and evasive answers that seems to come with it naturally."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

Meetra blew out a breath.

"It's not that simple, Atton," she said quietly. "I did what I thought I had to do."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton rubbed at the bridge of his nose. "Of course it's not that simple. It never is," he said. "But you people definitely like to make it seem like it's simple. You spin a story out of it-- you did what you had to do, you didn't say yes, stupid Atton for not reading between the lines--"

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"Do you really have to make this more difficult than it already is?" she asked sharply. "That's not what I meant."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton stared at her.

"I'm making this difficult?" he said.

He sat forward.

"You want to know what this past year has been like? It's like you taught me how to build a house, finally, after all this time-- and I sat down and I plotted everything out and it was clear. It was crystal clear... and then you left. And suddenly I'm just some clown, sitting there with a bucket of mortar in a field strewn with bricks and I realize I have no idea what I'm doing." He gestured at her. "Then you walk back in and you're playing word games."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"Have you been rehearsing this?"

The words were out of Meetra's mouth before she realized she was genuinely saying them.

[suitably_heroic]

Hey, now it was his turn to stare. How was that for turning the tables?

"You were dead," Atton said flatly. "...Are. Are dead. It's not like I expected you to walk into my living room some Friday evening and park your ass down for rerun night and some casual shouting."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"Fine, it was a stupid question," Meetra said. "But I didn't expect to do so, either. I was given the opportunity. I wanted to see if you were okay."

She'd left him behind to save his life. Maybe she needed the reassurance that, out of everything that had gone catastrophically wrong, that part had at least worked out.

[suitably_heroic]

"I'm okay," Atton said flatly.

Well, he was more okay than he'd been last year. He had some friends, including at least one he was genuinely attached to, which he was pretty sure was part of some chart for general functional sentience somewhere. He got up every morning and he went to bed every night and he hadn't killed anyone in at least two weeks.

So that was okay.

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"And you believe in the Jedi now?" she asked quietly. "You called yourself one."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton shut his eyes and pressed his fingers against his eyelids.

He didn't want to start crying. They'd never done that. They'd hovered near the edge and then they'd pulled back.

"I believe in you," he said. "Everything else, I don't know."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

Meetra sighed. "I'm dead," she pointed out.

It'd be best if he didn't get used to using the present tense.

[suitably_heroic]

"I'm aware," Atton said dryly, sinking back into his seat. There. That was better. "But I still believe in you. In what you taught us. In what you... were, I guess. Following that took me straight to the Jedi, and it's starting to feel weird to disclaim myself on a technicality."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"You can't build an Order on a word and the shoulders of a dead woman, Atton."

[suitably_heroic]

"No. But I don't want to build an Order," Atton said.

They had Mical for that. Mical and his stupid library.

"I want to do some good, while I can, because that's the best I see left for me," he said. He shook his head. "History's not going to be kind to us, Meetra. If we're lucky, they won't rewrite our stories to fit the Jedi narrative. I mean, think about it. I know we won, but we also lost. Four thousand years from now, it'll still be Jedi versus Sith, and Sith versus Jedi, and the galaxy on fire--"

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"You don't know that," Meetra pointed out. "And even if you did, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that doesn't mean it's on you. On us. On what we did."

She looked out the window. "Kreia tried to change the Order. So did Revan. They didn't manage that, but they did wipe the slate clean. That's a start for something. Something different."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton barked out a laugh. "I do know that," he said. "Trust me. I know. So I don't invest too much into the idea of a whole Jedi Order, because I know it always cycles back to the same damn thing. The best we can do is get a few good years before it kicks up again."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

And in that split second, Meetra's decision was made.

She couldn't tell him. Telling him would weaken his resolve to help the fledgling Order, and that was the exact opposite of what she wanted.

That didn't make it easy. Doubt crept back in almost as soon as she made that decision. If Atton wanted to fight--

Damn it.

"You sound like Kreia," she said.

[suitably_heroic]

"I sound like me," Atton retorted. He took a sip of his juice. "I've been saying these things for years. Well, months, in your experience, probably."

He set the glass down. "But maybe the old witch wasn't entirely wrong."

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"Now there's something I never thought I'd hear you say," Meetra said wryly.

She was still slightly impressed they'd made it through those few months without her finding both of them dead with their hands wrapped around each other's throats.

"I hope you're not planning to try and kill the Force, too," she added, with tentative teasing.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton pulled a face. "Do I look that stupid?"

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

Meetra's mouth curved into a tiny smile. "Only a little stupid."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton sighed. "Yeah. Just a little stupid," he said, staring down at his hands. "I just. I just want to break these cycles that can't be broken."

He rubbed at his palm with his thumb. "Want to. Know I can't."

Hated the way his voice was starting to break just a little.

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"Maybe," Meetra said. It was her turn to sit forward, now, as she tried to catch his eyes. "But we can decide which side of the cycle we're on. Sometimes, we even have the luxury to stand outside it, if just for a little while, and realize there's still room to survive."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton let out a soft snort. "You'd know that," he acquiesced. "How much time did you wind up drifting past the Outer Rim?"

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"A few years," she said. "Living in exile... It was... I hesitate to say 'better'. But it was okay. I learned I could live without the Force, without being a Jedi, without being in your cycle."

She shrugged. "But it was temporary," she said.

And she was at peace with that, even if she wasn't, quite, with the circumstances of her death or what was to come.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton reached into his pocket to pull out a packet of cigarettes. "It's always temporary," he said.

They were quiet for a while, after that.

"You're still dodging the question," he said at last. "But you know what, it's dark out, and I'm--" emotionally exhausted but incapable of running, "--kind of tired. So let's table this conversation until tomorrow and you can go crash in my guest bedroom, all right?"

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

"I don't need all that much sleep," Meetra said. "I could--"

[suitably_heroic]

"Please just humor me?" Atton said, lighting his cigarette and then picking up the remains of his pizza. "Let's pretend like we're normal for six hours and then see where we're at."

Then he walked into the kitchen again.

[defiance-exiled.livejournal.com]

Well, she could identify an Atton conversation-ender when he practically threw it at her. "Fine," she said, getting up off the sofa with her glass of juice. "Down the hall, you said?"