From MCA to the Streets of Fandom, Early Wednesday Morning

[suitably_heroic]

Atton didn't fall asleep easily. When he did, he dreamed about the cold void of space, Mira's voice in his ears telling him to hold his breath.

It got jumbled up the way only dreams could: Malachor coming apart, Sion's hand at his throat, Meetra's face as she turned and walked into the Hawk. Pain and blood in the mud a thousand years ago and teenage bodies strewn around him, and--

He sat up, the dream bleeding into reality.

Should've been the one to die there, should've broken apart into a million pieces trying to keep the peace.

The words were different, but it was a thought he knew well. Maybe this one would fade. Sometimes they did.

Often they didn't.

She had people who needed her young people better people and instead she saved me, me.

He could picture her, sitting in that chair, drawing her last breath - not Mira, someone else - giving up her life for... what? What might happen if someone else got their hands on that ship? What might happen if it broke apart in orbit and sent hundreds of thousands of kilos of poisonous dark side debris crashing down on unsuspecting people?

He should've gone to the cockpit.

(Should've died there, plunging the nose of his ship into the deadly clouds of Malachor V. Should've died with Sion's hand around his throat, defying him, telling him no, I won't be remade in your image. Should've died saving someone. Why did people keep saving him?)

What would Meetra have thought? Four years ago now since she'd turned and left them behind, lied to Atton's face, to keep them safe. To make sure they could be the future, even as she threw her life away. And what was the point? They were all dying anyway.

Should've died there.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. This, right here, was what had always made the dark side so tempting for him. He felt empty right now, bruised with the weight of a million escapes and a million deaths pushing down on him again.

It'd be so much easier if he felt cold.

An echo of Mira's voice came to him as he set his feet down on the floor. I've hunted a lot of people in my life, but I've never met anyone who wants to get lost as badly as you do.

"Right," he muttered. He sounded like he'd been beaten to an inch of his life, even to his ears. "Let's go get lost."

He padded out the door in his boots, a simple tunic and his jacket. He wasn't out to jog, didn't want to pretend he was doing anything useful. He just wanted to walk. Maybe get his brain to shut up.

Should've...

Maybe needed a cigarette.

[[ open ]]

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[spectre_alenko]

After Tuesday Sharing & Caring Day, Kaidan had startled out of sleep being smothered by agoraphobia. It had blanketed him so badly that even getting out of bed didn't feel safe.

Which, of course, meant that's exactly what he did - he got out of bed, he got dressed, he slammed down a cup of coffee, locked his gun to the back of his belt, made sure he had enough thermal clips to ruin something's day - even if that 'something' was 'a bunch of tin cans somewhere', and went out.

Wandering, letting his brain be numb, he let everything around him tell him how afraid he should be - and then he told all of it to STFU.

Another person on the street. He looked up, expecting to see Liam.

That wasn't Liam.

"Welcome back," Kaidan said dryly.

[suitably_heroic]

"Oh good," Atton drawled. He didn't even have the energy to sound surprised. Or annoyed.

So he mostly sounded flat.

"The island hasn't scared you off yet. That's what, a three month, three star run now?"

[spectre_alenko]

"I don't scare easily," Kaidan said calmly, "I'd say I don't think the island's capable, but that's just giving it something to attempt to live up to."

Fear was a temporary emotion, anyway.

"Headed to either the gun range or the preserve. How bored are you?"

The one thing he could count on from Atton - there was no way in hell there would ever be a 'how are you feeling Kaidan' conversation.

[suitably_heroic]

"I'm walking around the island in the early morning when I could be in bed sleeping in," Atton said. "How bored do you think I am?"

... Bored wasn't the right word for it.

[spectre_alenko]

"With you, it's impossible to tell, so I ask," Kaidan pointed out, "Are you in the mood to shoot inanimate objects, or would you rather wander and deal with the early morning joggers?"

Of which Kaidan usually was one. Not today.

[suitably_heroic]

"I thought I was already dealing with one," Atton said. He was stalling for time, mostly; he didn't know whether he had the energy to deal with a guy who'd just walk up to him and offer an excursion.

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan wasn't doing it for Atton's benefit. It was almost entirely selfish - if Atton was with him at the gun range, nobody would take the stall next to him and make smalltalk. Also, there was a zero percent chance the 'somebody' would be someone Kaidan knew who'd get their caring all over him - he did not want to deal. Sharing and caring time had been yesterday tysvm.

And if they went to the preserve.. well, that meant actually walking into a tree-filled place filled with shadows. Atton was the absolute worst security blanket in any galaxy - except..not. Because, again, the one thing he'd never get from Atton was emotion. Which was a nice change.

"Wasn't jogging today," Kaidan pointed out, "I'm armed." As if that explained everything.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton let out a soft snort.

"Right," he said. "Well, I guess if you're shooting something, I don't have to listen to you talk. Why not?"

Maybe it'd take care of some of his aimlessness - or the worse demons bouncing around his head.

[spectre_alenko]

You really wouldn't. Kaidan was not about the talking right now. "Preference? Range or field? Field's less likely to have people in it."

Atton was wearing a blaster, both were options. If he hadn't been, the range would have been the only place Kaidan knew of to rent a gun of any sort.

[suitably_heroic]

"Field," Atton said. "The range takes you through the gym, and the gym smells like feet."

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan shrugged and headed toward the preserve. "As good a reason as any." He was just as happy to not cross through it - too many people there knew him. From this end of town, it wouldn't take long to get there.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton followed him, hand dipping into his coat to go digging around for his cigarettes. "Do we have to paint anybody's face on the targets, or are we sticking with tin cans here?"

[spectre_alenko]

"There's tin cans, glass jars, and dead logs," Kaidan said, then after a few more steps, "If you need a face on something, I don't exactly have paint on me but I guess you could always draw on it with a lightsaber."

Maybe Atton had more artistic skill than Kanan.

[suitably_heroic]

"I don't know if you noticed," Atton said, one of the lightsabers flying free from his belt and into his hand in an incredibly matter-of-fact kind of way, "But they're a little big to use as a Sharpie."

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan shrugged a shoulder, heading into the trees. Calmly, as if it didn't bother him. Screw you, trees.

"I've seen them used that way before. Some of the logs available aren't small, but yeah, not so much the tin cans. Not unless you can modulate the width of the plasma beam."

[suitably_heroic]

"They're weapons, not tools," Atton pointed out, sliding the lightsaber back onto his belt. "But all right, no faces, got it."

So it wasn't someone else Alenko was angry at. Good to know.

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan wasn't angry. Kaidan wasn't much of anything, at the moment. He wandered deeper into the preserve, finding the area that had been used long before he found it as a target range.

Kaidan began kicking logs over to both stand up and serve as perches for the detritus of cans, bottles, and other plinking materials that just seemed to evolve from the underbrush. For all he knew, it did.

"One of these days, I'm going to rig some mobile target units. Stationary is boring as hell, but it's what's available."

Which reminded him.. Turning to the woods, he said, "We're about to be discharging firearms. If any little rum-swilling pencil-pushers are hanging around, make sure you're behind us. I refuse to be responsible if you stop a ballistic with your face."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton, as a rule, liked to avoid poking into anyone's brain and figuring out what they were feeling that way. Call it courtesy, maybe.

"If you wanted that, I could've just dragged in some target droids," he said, pushing a chunk of log upright. "Maybe a remote or two."

[spectre_alenko]

"Do all of you just.. keep a supply in a closet or something?" Kaidan asked, shaking his head a little, "I'll keep that in mind and hit you up next time, maybe. For right now, stationary's fine."

Thinking of something Kanan had said the day before, he began stacking some of the detritus into squares and pyramids. Balance targets.

[suitably_heroic]

"Aw, you caught us. We have one big closet hidden on the school premises. It's just wall-to-wall remotes in case we get bored and decide to take over the island," Atton deadpanned.

He took a couple of steps back. Hey, if Alenko wanted to do all the work, he wasn't going to stop him.

[spectre_alenko]

"Your dreams of dictatorship are adorable," Kaidan said mildly, "With how frequently crap tries to take over the island, hey, more power to you. Your takeover might be an improvement. If you get your picture on the currency, I'm making you autograph a bill for me."

The bottles were uncooperative in their ability to stack, so he shrugged and just leaned them precariously against one another. Eventually, he ran out of ideas and turned on a heel to walk away from the targets. There was only so far they could go before the clearing ended.

[suitably_heroic]

"Joke's on you," Atton said, regarding the whole set-up Alenko had rigged up calmly. "I have the worst autograph in known space."

[spectre_alenko]

"Not sure anyone gets autographs for the penmanship," Kaidan said, slightly amused that his brain even went that direction with it. The SPECTRE thing had come with an unfortunate fan club.

"But then I could say - I knew him when. Back when he was just a crabby ass with dreams of dictatorship." A beat, "A manly, handsome, crabby ass.."

[suitably_heroic]

"Oh man, I need to call Sparkle," Atton said, unclipping his blaster. "Finally someone gives me the respect I deserve and he's not even here to hear it."

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan smirked, "Oh, he's heard it." Then, completely conversationally, he added, "Did you know that referring to a Jedi Master as 'hot like fire' can make a two-meter Padawan just about curl up and die from embarrassment?"

A beat.

"Now you do."

[suitably_heroic]

"I did," Atton said brightly, checking the distance between where he was standing and the nearest target. "Why?"

[spectre_alenko]

"Why?" Kaidan repeated, kicking a heel up and leaning back against a tree on the perimeter. "Which of the many avenues that question could travel do you want me to answer?"

[suitably_heroic]

"What? It's your story," Atton said.

He pulled the trigger. The bottle shattered.

[spectre_alenko]

"The comment wasn't actually to Kanan, he was just in the room when it was made. I found his reaction amusing as hell. He forgets, I think."

He unclipped his Eagle, and fired. A tin can fell off the log. He shot it three more times before it hit the ground.

[suitably_heroic]

"Forgets about what?"

There went the next bottle. And the one after that.

Atton didn't particularly care about the answer. He just cared that it had nothing to do with him. Not really.

[spectre_alenko]

"That I couldn't possibly give less of a crap," Kaidan said, shooting another can, "what your title is. Jedi Master Rand? His Royal Highness, King Atton the First of Fandom?"

He shook his head a little and shot the can again.

[suitably_heroic]

"I thought titles were things people handed out when you were dead and buried and not around to say 'hey, cut it out'," Atton retorted.

[spectre_alenko]

"Sadly, no," Kaidan said, taking out a bottle, "Sometimes, no matter how loudly you tell them to cut it out, you get the title anyway. Unless you somehow find yourself in a different galaxy where nobody knows your title and even if you told them, it wouldn't matter in the slightest because it means nothing here."

... Yeah, that wasn't about Atton's titles. Not completely, anyway.

"Which is why it was amusing to have 'omg you can't say that!' muttered at me."

[suitably_heroic]

"Let me tell you, it's never not going to be weird to have some random stranger treat you like a historical figure," Atton said. He was a human trashfire, and he knew it, and he owned it, damn it.

He looked around for a target that was a little further away. Aimed for it.

"So what nonsense did they slap you with?"

[spectre_alenko]

"It's amusing as hell to me, but I get to watch my best friend gibber and go to pieces about the guy I play cards and talk trash with, so, y'know, it's not all bad," Kaidan said. The last time had been mostly crossfire - Kaidan had been messing with Hernando.

"The last promotion came with 'Commander'. Couldn't turn it down, could go on leave," Kaidan said grimly, shooting the base of a can to pop it up in the air so he could shoot it more as it fell, "Shuttle malfunction brought me here. Best thing that could have happened at the time, honestly. I respect my Admiral but that kind of made me want to punch him in the face a little."

A lot. It had made him want to punch Hackett in the face a lot. Not that ship. Not that crew. Not ever. Vega could have it. Vega probably did have it.

"Catch me being the responsible party. No thank you."

[suitably_heroic]

"Yeah, you don't really seem like the responsible type," Atton drawled.

His voice, never the most expressive unless he was angry, was so flat this morning that he wondered if the sarcasm came across. Whatever. It wasn't like he particularly cared.

Instead he took aim, fired. Bye bye, tin can.

[spectre_alenko]

"Nope," Kaidan agreed, "Sure as hell I don't. I get to play civilian." He started playing tic-tac-toe with one of the can stacks. Then he deadpanned, "Whee. What fun."

He smacked the release and ejected the thermal clip, racking a new one with the ease of long familiarity. His left foot reached over to step on the spent clip, driving it into the ground so it wouldn't smolder. Then he resumed his game.

[suitably_heroic]

"Are you shit talking your own game?" Atton asked. "Something really crawled up your ass, huh."

He took out another tin can with easy efficiency. The joy of blasters: they didn't need you wasting time putting in any clips.

[spectre_alenko]

"Not lately, no," Kaidan said, "My ass is fine but thanks for the concern."

Goodbye, can stack.

[suitably_heroic]

"Then stop aggressively doing whatever fine you're doing right now, it's giving me a headache," Atton said, rolling his eyes. 'My name is Kaidan Alenko and I'm going to shoot tin-cans with a near stranger out in the woods while dodging questions so badly, it has to be the galaxy's most obvious cry for help'."

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan stopped shooting, lowered his gun, and gave Atton a sincerely quizzical look. "The only thing bothering me right now is mild agoraphobia due to the island pulling some shit a couple weeks back. The insomnia is old news, there's nothing else on my mind at the moment."

There wasn't. His brain was mostly just numb.

"Shooting tin cans with a near stranger in the woods is preferable to shooting them while I'm alone in the woods, but whether you'd come along or not, I'd still be here doing this. The only help for it is exactly what I'm doing - being outside, not letting myself become a shut-in. Whistling in the dark. Only I'm doing it with a gun and tin cans, because whistling is damn annoying."

He raised the gun and shot another can. "Hi, my name is Kaidan Alenko. I used to be a combat medic. Thermal clips are cheaper than the copay on Zoloft and shooting tin cans won't leave me with a medicinal hangover in the morning."

[suitably_heroic]

Oh please. Atton might've actively tried to keep other people's feelings from floating his way, but there was a pent-up tension in this guy that was basically screaming like a stuck mynock. And the whole wall of words thing he was doing right now? Space, Atton was the master of that.

It wasn't conducive to the few rounds of brainless target practice Atton had been hoping for.

"It's not like I want your life story anyway," he said, shrugging. He slid his blaster back into the holster. "But I think I'm going to call this good."

[spectre_alenko]

Kaidan was answering the questions you'd accused him of dodging. The only tension in him at the moment was due to the agoraphobia. For the moment, he was in IDGAF land. You don't want him to care right now, Atton. Normally he'd be getting that caring all over you. You weren't in a tank at the moment, which meant Sparkle wouldn't be freaking out with panic, and Kaidan simply couldn't be bothered to give a damn past that at the moment.

"Never expected you would," Kaidan said wryly. "Try not to get eaten by a grue on your way back."

[suitably_heroic]

Yeah, because 'I don't like responsibility' was a believable answer, coming from a guy who had aggressively interfered in the life of a friend he'd only known for a few months out of conviction about what was good for him.

And because agoraphobia made people shout 'I don't care' at roughly the same volume and frequency as an Evanescence-loving teenager at her high school prom.

Atton shrugged. "Run if you see any alligators," he said, turning around. "Some of them spit goldfish."

[spectre_alenko]

Agoraphobia caused tension. Depression moodswings into the apathetic part of the spectrum caused the IDGAF. He'd be bouncing like a yoyo for awhile, but that was where he was just at the moment.

"This island and its weird bizarro-land crap, I swear," Kaidan shook his head. Re-aligning with the targets, he continued plinking, "One of these days, it'll be boring for more than 24 hours and the clinic will do serious business in the cardio department."