MCA #4, Monday Morning

[suitably_heroic]

Okay, Atton couldn't say he was wild about finding out that Sparkle had some issues regarding him not being around from Sparkle's nosy boyfriend instead of Sparks himself. He'd make a point out of getting grumpy about it some time after the whole thing got fixed.

For now, he'd informed Mical that he could take care of the three-day diplomatic event by himself, he was a trained diplomat and Atton most pointedly was not. That left him with some time to hang around the island, talk to Sparkle a little, get the worst settled, the works.

That was the plan, anyway.

Waking up on Monday morning with an itch in the back of his head that bounced off of an awakening itch all over the island? That had not been in the plans.

"Oh, space," he grumbled, as he stood in the kitchen and the first hit of coffee smacked him upside the head. "Please just be last night's meatloaf."

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[suitably_heroic]

"You want a human shield between you and that guy at all times?" Atton said. "Because, I mean, it's going to take some effort, but I think I can do 'belligerent' if I really push myself..."

[myownface]

"You? But you're always so much sweetness and sunshine," Sparkle snarked, but there was a wave of relief under there that was kind of threatening to reach up and strangle him. "I mean. I mean I mean--"

Deep breath.

"I mean," he said, this time more slowly, and a little shakily, "yeah." And that sounded smaller than he cared for it to sound. But there it was. "Yeah. I can't do this without the risk of seeing him again and I can't. I can't, you know? I want to get on with my life and for years everything has hinged on Lewis fucking Chance in one way or another and I can't let everything I want to do keep getting shut down because I can't move past that. I didn't even get to tell him to fuck off because he walked away."

[suitably_heroic]

"So if you have to deal with him, you get me as a bodyguard," Atton said easily. "Maybe glower from the right while your boyfriend does his angry lecturing shtick from the left..."

He drained his cup of coffee.

"Hope you get to tell him to fuck off, though."

[myownface]

"Hope so," Sparkle replied. And then he stared into his coffee for a minute. "If what he was doing is what people keep telling me he was doing, I'd settle for sending his ass to prison in my place, though."

It had been a strange process, coming around from free-floating anger and hurt to a realization that there had been some manner of abuse in amongst all of that. And here he'd been just filing it away under, 'sure people suck but I fucked up, that tracks, that's generally the way of it.'

[suitably_heroic]

"Bet that'd be satisfying, too," Atton said, putting his cup down.

[myownface]

"He wouldn't get to do it to anyone else," Sparkle murmured, shrugging. Eyes on the floor. "Dunno if he'd want to, but maybe? And I hate that maybe. I hate maybe and I--"

He reached a hand up and scrubbed at his face again.

"I wanna go into legitimate business someday. I wanna be able to go to the mainland without being afraid I'm gonna get busted and deported. I mean, maybe not any time soon, but someday I might wanna adopt kids or something and I can't do any of this shit and I wanna be better and I've just accepted all of that worry as something I deserve, and, fuck, maybe I do. My hands aren't clean, I do stupid shit when I get hurt, I get that, but I can't move past that when it keeps haunting me and then we get shit like this, where I have this floating anxiety in my chest I can't chase out and I let it chew on itself until I feel like I'm gonna die."

[suitably_heroic]

"Then it sounds like settling it is the best thing you could possibly do," Atton said frankly. He pushed away from the counter. "Put him away, make him pay for it, and set yourself free. That's more than even most cults can promise."

[myownface]

Sparkle nodded, staring down, and then over at the wall. Up at the ceiling.

Anywhere.

"It's gonna get ugly before it gets better, isn't it?"

[suitably_heroic]

"Probably, yeah," Atton said. He watched Sparkle's expression shift. "But it won't be as bad as it was five years ago. And the second this starts picking up steam, you let me know, and I'll tell Mical he can do his own laundry for a while."

[myownface]

"Laundry, sure, but if he decides to take up plumbing while you're gone too, you get your ass back there and make sure he doesn't fuck up the whole temple, okay?"

... Look, his attempts at levity right now were maybe not where they could be. Sparkle swallowed, and then blew out a little breath and added, more soberly, "Thanks. I'm... um." Deep breath. "I'm sorry you found out from my nosy boyfriend that my head is a big stupid mess." A pause. "You know. Instead of from me. You deserve more consideration than... whatever stupid bullshit damage I have that keeps me from sticking my nose in."

Than the Lewises and the Alecs going all the way back to when he was small.

[suitably_heroic]

"Apology accepted," Atton said, running his fingers through his hair. "And... sorry for letting everything else swallow up my days so much I haven't been here to help you deal with... all of this poodoo. Honestly I kinda thought you weren't bugging me as much because you and him were picking out curtains or something."

[myownface]

"Buying tiny fishies," Sparkle corrected, smiling crookedly. "... Burying all of the other poodoo in being stupid and domestic and probably rotting teeth out of people's heads."

He shrugged a bit.

"When in doubt, fucking compartmentalize, right?"

[suitably_heroic]

"I mean, that always works well, until it creeps up on you in the middle of the night and tries to choke you on the spot," Atton said cheerfully. "... But yeah, I get that. Should've paid closer attention."

[myownface]

"I mean," Sparkle shrugged, "you had a lot of shit on your plate. I don't blame you for not noticing when I'm swallowing it back like it's not there so you don't have to... like... deal with me, too."

Mira, Meetra... last year had been bad.

[suitably_heroic]

"Sparks, helping you out isn't dealing with you. Space, you've dragged me out of my own misery how many times? Are you going to tell me you were huffing and puffing the whole way, complaining about your stupid best friend who couldn't get his ass off the floor?"

[myownface]

"... Wasn't doing that, no," Sparkle allowed. "I dunno. I dunno, you know? I'm not supposed to give a shit. It's all bullshit and I don't care, it's easier for everyone when I just don't care. Right up until I do care and then I'm freaking out and doing shit like asking one of my boyfriends why he's not doing crap like Lewis or Alec did, apparently."

He made a frustrated little sound in his throat.

"I've internalized all the wrong shit and I hate it, it's stupid."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton rubbed his forehead.

"I'm going to tell you something that's going to blow your mind," he said, "But literally no one has thought of you as the guy who doesn't give a shit in, what, three years? Four?"

[myownface]

Sparkle wrinkled his nose a little at that.

"See, I'm slipping, I have to work on that."

... He probably would not. He wasn't fooling anybody. And... he kind of didn't want to.

[suitably_heroic]

Yeah, the look on Atton's face read come on seconds before he actually said it out loud.

[myownface]

And Sparkle sighed, and smiled lopsidedly, and hiked one shoulder up a little.

"Or work on getting more comfortable with admitting it. Is there, like, a happy medium there?"

[suitably_heroic]

"I think that would be the happy medium," Atton drawled. "The other side would be you running through the street yelling about free hugs."

[myownface]

"I save that one for Pride," Sparkle mused. "And that's more about being a defiant little shit than touchy-feeeeely."

[suitably_heroic]

"A hug with a raised middle-finger, like the Force intended," Atton agreed.

[myownface]

"One of my favourite kinds," Sparkle all but chirped.

And then he went quiet for a few seconds.

"So... everything's cool?"

He worried, okay.

[suitably_heroic]

"I mean, I reserve the right to smack you later for waiting so long I had to sit through Tea Shop Guy jumping wildly from 'overly polite' to 'openly hostile' for half an hour to find out something was wrong," Atton said.

A little bit because he was still annoyed by that, but mostly because he was Atton and he didn't physically know how to navigate an Important Conversation without bitching about something.

"But yeah, we're good. I'll be here until Wednesday night, maybe Thursday morning." He pointed at Sparkle. "Bug me."