Atton's Apartment, Manhattan, New York City, Thursday Afternoon

[suitably_heroic]

You know, Atton was finally starting to get into a rhythm with this life, a daily and weekly routine. It hadn't saved him from careening past an episode of... something... last week, but now that the reality of the potentially-long stretch of life in front of him had settled in-- well, it at least kept his sanity intact.

End of the week was usually Lana time. They'd spent some time earlier that day sparring in the band's practice space. It'd been a good workout.

But now he was home, holding the door open for Lana to come on in. "You're welcome to grab a shower, if you want."

[[ expecting one, but as always open for messages and phone calls ]]

Comments

[unusual_sith]

Lana huffed. "Something I could do without sharing, but what can you do?" She sat back and rubbed her face. "Is there any good, cathartic music for this type of thing?"

[suitably_heroic]

Atton looked at her, and then let out a soft snort. "Yeah," he said.

He rose to his feet.

[unusual_sith]

Lana finished her lemonade and set down the glass. "Are we going to make your neighbours hate us?"

[suitably_heroic]

Atton managed a soft huff of a laugh.

"Back in the day, yeah," he said, fishing around the record collection. "I'd have grabbed Metallica. 'No Leaf Clover'. Loud, symphonic, dramatic metal about how the light at the end of the tunnel--" His voice twisted to song for a moment, "--is just a freight train comin' your way..."

He pulled an album out of the shelves.

"I've gotten into Nine Inch Nails this past year, though," he said. "Especially the more reflective stuff. Sometimes I like to tell myself this is character growth."

He put the record on the player.

When he dropped the music, what came out of the speakers was much more subdued.

[unusual_sith]

Lana closed her eyes and listened. She winced. "That's certainly something. Can we try the Metallica?"

Just wait until she discovered Linkin Park.

[suitably_heroic]

Atton snorted. "More into the screaming, huh?" he said. But he paused the record, took it off, rummaged around for S&M.

"That was the thing for me. Dane figured it out," he said, as he finally found and grabbed the record. "I was burying all this stuff in anger when it's just-- grief."

He put the record on. "But I guess there's nothing wrong with a little anger."

[unusual_sith]

"Anger is easier," Lana said. "I'm better at channeling anger. The grief is too nebulous and unfocused."

And yeah, the yelling was good.

[suitably_heroic]

"Everyone's better at channeling anger," Atton said. "Anger's proactive. It lets you do stuff."

He sat back down, the Nine Inch Nails record still in his hands.

[unusual_sith]

"Precisely," Lana agreed. "And I'm bad at not doing stuff."

Which was surely news to everyone.

[suitably_heroic]

"Which is why my therapist calls it a 'secondary emotion' that people resort to because they don't know how to deal with the actual feeling they're having," Atton said.

At least there was a sense of - albeit sarcastic - cheer returning to his previously flat tone?

[unusual_sith]

Lana groaned. "Therapy. Why doesn't our galaxy have more therapy options?"

[suitably_heroic]

"Because people like you and me keep insisting we don't need it?" Atton offered. "I got therapy after Sia made me meet with an Imperial Knight who'd been getting therapy for years. There are options."

[unusual_sith]

Lana waved it off. "We have mind healers I can talk to. Maybe I will at some point. Imperial Knight?"

[suitably_heroic]

"Sia's an empress," Atton said vaguely. "They used to be Sith, then the royal family married into the Skywalkers, now their Force users are... somewhere in the middle? Their Knights are all loyal to the royal family, specifically."

[unusual_sith]

"Huh. Sounds a bit like Zakuul," Lana noted. "Only with more sane leadership."

Not that that was saying much, but still.

[suitably_heroic]

"I wouldn't say that out loud to Sia," Atton said, with a sigh. "I almost signed on to become one, once. An Imperial Knight, I mean."

[unusual_sith]

"Why? And why didn't you?" Lana asked.

[suitably_heroic]

"After Sparkle disappeared, I got a little... untethered," Atton said slowly. "Sia was all I had left. After a while, it seemed to make sense; joining the Imperial Knights would give me some sense of personal loyalty and purpose again."

He shrugged.

"Then she pointed out that it's a job for life," he said. "And that I might not be happy doing it. She was right. I was just... lost, looking for something to grab hold of."

[unusual_sith]

"That makes sense." Lana nodded. "It's hard not having a purpose. But I'm glad she was a good enough friend to point that out to you."

[suitably_heroic]

"She's a good person," Atton agreed. "Who deserves better than a guy like me."

[unusual_sith]

"I don't even know her," Lana said, "but I have a feeling she'd disagree with that."

[suitably_heroic]

Atton snorted. "I don't know," he said. "You met me for real after the years of 'mind healing' she got me to commit to. You only know the moderately improved model."

Including a year-long stint at a mental health facility he was never going to talk about in his life.

"I still feel guilty," he added. "Even if I know I wasn't remotely in the right place to commit to anything back then, either in a personal or an Imperial Knight sense."

[unusual_sith]

"Also understandable," Lana said. "But I'm rather selfishly glad you didn't, or we might not have gotten to know each other. And I'm sure she has plenty of Knights."